Be nice. I am putting this first because it is the basis for everything that follows. No matter what you are doing, suppress the urge to say what you really mean if it will make the situation worse, start a fight, or hurt your partner’s feelings. Of course be honest with yourself and your partner, but do it kindly. Instead of saying, “I hate you and I don’t even love you anymore,” try coming from an angle of kindness and honesty and say, “You’ve really hurt me and it’s hard to find the love right now.” Remember, if you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all.
Don’t be aggressive. What I mean is don’t be looking for a fight. Don’t focus on the negatives or wait to fire off a hurtful response. Don’t make passive aggressive jabs at the other person. Stay calm and speak softly to your partner. Stop yelling at each other! Instead of vindictively questioning what your partner says and belittling them, listen with an open mind.
Make time for each other. No matter what, take time out of your lives to focus your attention on your partner. Even if you can’t stand them at the moment, sit down and have dinner together. Sit on the couch together and watch TV or read books. Go on a date. Even if you have children, make the time for your partner. There has to be ten minutes in the day that you could fit them in.
Remember what you loved about your partner. Think back to what made you fall in love with that person. Remember why you chose them. Think about the things you can appreciate about your partner. What changed? Is it you or them? Honestly reflect on that, and be open to sharing the responsibility of your issues. It’s not only one person’s fault you’re having problems.
Communicate. Even if you’re to the point that the sound of their voice makes you want to punch them in the face, take the time to talk to them. Force yourselves to talk. Ask each other how the other’s day was. Talk about a dream you had the night before. Go over something funny the kid said. It doesn’t have to be the knock down come to Jesus meeting you need to have with each other, but it could be a start.
Touch and show affection. I’m not saying you have to be all over the person that may make your skin crawl at the moment, but try to slide in little bits of affection. Brush their shoulder as you walk by. Grab their hand and hold it for a moment. Kiss. Go to bed at the same time and entangle your feet or actually cuddle. Be intimate. Make up sex is always fun even if it’s just a temporary band-aide on a bigger issue. If anything, the endorphins will have you both feeling good for a while.
Show interest in the other person’s interests. Let’s say your partner loves to fish. Whether you like it or not, invite yourself along the next time they go. Pack a nice little lunch, take the kids and make it a family outing. Have fun together. Flirt. Taking the time to show interest in something your partner enjoys, shows them you’re making an effort. However, don’t choose something you know you’ll be miserable doing and end up resenting them even more. Find a good middle ground. Try to make the best out of the situation, and find the fun in it. So you hate to fish, but you enjoy tanning and day drinking. Win, win.
YOUR ASSIGNMENT
Make a Pros and Cons List. Taking a note from Sex and the City’s Miranda, sit down and write out a pros and cons list of the things you like about your partner and the things you don’t like. Put anything on it that comes to mind. Have each partner do this and then exchange the lists. If you’re having trouble communicating, this could be a great way to say what you’ve been feeling but maybe haven’t said yet. This is also a nice reflection to evaluate how happy you are in your relationship by seeing which side of the list is longer. It’s hard to avoid something that’s right in front of your face. Hopefully, this opens the door to communication, solutions, and positive changes!
Take it up a notch a create a column for what you wish or your expectations for your partner. This section gives you the opportunity to express what you wish your partner would know or do, what makes you happy, how they could help, ways they could improve the situation, etc. It also gives another opportunity to communicate and come up with a plan that could benefit both partners. If you wish your partner would help with the laundry, put that in this column. Or you expect your partner to complete that chore on their own, it’s at least putting it out there to be discussed and can hopefully come up with a solution.
Check out my post on the “7 Year Itch” and decide if its
a myth or a reality.
[…] Check them out here: 7 Ways to get past the “7 Year Itch” […]