To Teach or Not To Teach

As a teacher, more often than not I would find myself at a crossroads…to teach or not to teach, that was always the question.  A bad day was enough to make me question all my life choices that lead to this, why in the world I wanted to be a teacher, and if I could take it anymore.  The abuse I would put myself through day after day.  Feeling like I was failing all the time.  Stressing over if the students were making enough progress in time.  All the different little energies draining me physically, mentally, and emotionally.  All the anxiety a formal evaluation would bring and whether I was good enough.  Most importantly, the parents.  So why teach?  I got to the point in my career that I could no longer focus on the positives, because compared to the challenges, there were so few.  To be clear, I am not speaking about any specific school or district.  I have been lucky enough to teach in some amazing districts, with amazing administration, and absolutely amazing teachers!   

In my five years teaching I have taught general and special education in both California and Illinois.  I have been across the country looking for answers as to whether I should continue teaching.  The passion I had was slipping away with every year and every class I taught.  No matter how positive I would try to be, that positivity would get shattered within the first few minutes the kids came in.  When they came in late, without their homework, hungry, dirty, and tired, it would break my heart and infuriate me.  I am furious and disgusted with our society today.  It can’t be narrowed down to a school, town, state, or region because the neglect and lack of parenting and parent involvement is consistent across the board.  For me to have this opinion is controversial, because I am not a parent and do not know how hard it is.  However, I spend more hours a day with some people’s children than they do themselves, and it takes all morning sometimes to get them to a point of comfort before we can even begin learning.  Isn’t that what school is for, to learn?  Many kids are not coming to school ready to learn because they are not getting their basic needs met at home.  We are responsible for feeding them, wiping the dirt off their faces, providing deodorant or a toothbrush, or just a listening ear or hug.  Don’t get me wrong, I loved the hugs, and some days I needed them maybe more than the kids.  It was just heart breaking to think that those hugs were the only ones they got that day.  I’m not trying to whine about how hard it is, or how much teachers do, because if you’re not a teacher or in education, you won’t get it anyway.  Seriously, you have no idea!

Over my career teaching, I have struggled with whether or not I could actually do it.  After being in the trenches, I have come to realize that I have had an unrealistic idea of teaching.  Just because I have an addiction to school supplies and scented markers, does not mean I could actually handle daily life as a teacher.  I couldn’t handle going home crying and losing sleep over other people’s children.  I couldn’t handle all the pressure and stress I put on myself.  I couldn’t handle the high expectations I had for the students, and the let downs.  I couldn’t handle another parent-teacher conference where the parent didn’t show up.  I couldn’t handle being two different people because society was expecting something from me.  I couldn’t handle the drama of the teacher’s lounge and feeling like I didn’t fit in because I was new.  I couldn’t handle another damn baby shower (insert any socially obligated activity here).  Ultimately, I couldn’t handle never being able to “loosen the reins” and enjoy the day, because behavior issues were so severe.  It wasn’t fun anymore.  Every year but one has been less than desirable and had me in constant survival mode to get through it.  That one year though, that was truly magical.

So, is it me or did I have to pay my dues before I got a “good group?”  They say God only gives you what you can handle, and if this is true, I must be a badass.  If my teaching career has taught me anything, it is that I am resilient.  No matter how miserable it was, I always finished the year.  Even when I was getting cussed out and threatened every day, hospitalized with health issues, 2,000 miles away from my husband all year, or endless duties stacked on me by administration. 

Every year has challenges.  However, this year was it for me.  It was my last chance.  I moved home to my map dot town in the Midwest and got hired as a 2^nd grade teacher at the best school in the region.  This was ultimately my dream job.  How this all came to be was, I still believe, a “sign from God,” and there was no way I could pass on this opportunity; even though it meant having a long-distance marriage and moving into my parent’s basement.  I just had to see.  Coming from my previous school where the language barrier was a constant challenge, and over 50% of conferences needed a translator, I was excited to close the communication gap and see what would be different.  Sure, the curriculum, lessons, and strategies were similar, but what was different you may ask…not a damn thing.  The kids were the same, because the parents were the same.  Across the country our society is failing, and teachers are seeing the results firsthand.

Like a true obsessive-compulsive individual, I had to make a list to help my thoughts become clear.  I have been working on a “Pros and Cons” list for teaching for some time now, adding to it every year I taught.  I thought maybe this would help my decision making, and I could chalk this year up to “just another bad year” and continue on.  That was not the case.  The negatives far outweighed the positives, and I quit.  As I review the list again now, I just get angry.  I hate that I am done teaching.  I hate that I can’t handle it.  I hate that I’m still paying student loans on a degree I will not be using.  I hate that I can’t find another job in education that is not classroom teaching.  I hate that it has come to this.  Live and learn I guess, and so the journey begins… 

Click here to see my Pros and Cons List